Sunday, June 6, 2010

this is me right now

Where to begin? So much has happened over the last few months. Alot that I have not wanted to talk about. But, this blog is also my space and I have felt a little weird sharing anything without saying something about all the stuff.

a moment with myself may 17

I will try to be brief, and as much as possible avoid the blame game and the drama. But, there has been some drama, so sorry if it comes across that way.

"Life is not a private affair. A story and its lessons are only made useful if shared. "
~ Dan Millman

The bottom line is that Don and I have separated. We were getting ready to fix up our RV and hit the road, all was going really amazing and great. We were in a funk but then we had one of those aha moments where we could see our way out of the funk. And then I found out that Don has been using drugs and lying to me about it. This has been an ongoing issue for us in our marriage. He wants the freedom to do what he wants without me freaking out and and trying to change him. I want a husband (and father to my kids) that keeps the promises he makes to us about his drug use.

Over the years, I have tried to be kind and give space to all of this. I have made excuses and worked hard to forgive and give him the benefit of the doubt, but there is only so much I can be okay with. And lying over and over again is not what I am okay with. So, me and the kids have moved in with my mom. It is hard. And awful. And sad. My heart is broken. I really thought we were doing great. I thought HE was doing great. But this addiction thing is winning right now. I hate it. I hate addiction. I hate that the drugs have become so important to him. I hate that my kids will be effected by all of this. I hate that I no longer have a partner in life, creating magic and awesomeness with me. I am sad. And angry. And Crushed.

I pray and hope that he will find his way and will make good, conscious choices in this life. I really, really don't want to make him out to be a bad guy. He's not. He just has issues with drugs and alcohol that he cannot control. Not right now. I hope some day he can and that he chooses to deal with all of this. I really do. For him. For our kids.

Don is a great guy, an amazing father. He loves our kids so much. He does and I know that. But, I also know that I needed to do what I felt was right - for me and for my children. So, here we are.


more of me

Here I am. Finding my own way. I have no idea what is going to happen. All I know is that the family I had and the life I've lived for the past 6 years is no more. It is time to reinvent, to create, to take care of myself. So, that is what I am focusing on.

My mom is being awesome and wonderful and so, so kind. She is letting us live here with her for as long as we need to, until we can find our own footing. I am going to go back to school. My mom gave up her office for me to have my own room. The kids already have theirs. I am working on creating a safe, comforting space for myself. I am putting attention on taking care of myself, nurturing myself, loving who I am. Getting connected to who I am and what I now want out of this life. I am focusing on who I need to be for my kids so that they are happy and healthy, no matter what happens with me and Don.

Re-inventing. I think I will take that as my theme word right now. Or maybe Re-discovering - Re-"me"ing.

***I wanted to edit this to say that Don is "just" smoking pot.. not doing crack or anything. But, the addiction thing is still that, no matter what. Drinking, or smoking pot or whatever really can be no big deal.. the deal breaker here has been they lying about it all. I just felt like I needed to say that so you don't think he is off shooting up in some alley or something. I do know sharing this here is a big deal and some people are not so sure that I should have. But, this is what I am dealing with right now.. what is in my space, and I really did need to just say it, out loud. ***

10 comments:

kendra said...

i'm so sorry, lisa! hugs!!!

~Kat~ said...

Hey sweetpea... you already know how I feel, my kindred friend but I just want to reiterate that I think it may be great if we can support each other on our individual journeys. You just took a huge risk by sharing this... which, ultimately shows us all just how brave you are to go on from here. <3

Ramos Family said...

I LOVE YOU!! Know I am always there for you, even though so many miles are now between us. Day or night...you need a friend to talk to..call me!

Amber said...

I'm blown away by the courage you have, both in doing what feels right for you and for being open about it. Hugs to you, so glad your mom is there for you. Onwards and upwards from here, I have no doubt that this change will lead to great things for all of you.

Anonymous said...

Lisa, you know I love you and I will support you anyway I can. HUGS*

Delia

Carola said...

Lisa,

I am so sorry about the new turn in your life.

You are such a brave and inspiring person! I think that in the end your kids will be empowered by their mom and will feel blessed to have YOU as their mom. These are very hard times for them and for you, and I admire your way to deal with that, to confront your new situation and move on.

I'm glad that you want to take care of yourself, nurture yourself. Please, DO !

My thoughts go out to you. Hugs.
Carola

Tara W. said...

(((hugs)))

My heart goes out to you. Even when entered into with our whole hearts, this is never an easy decision or transition. You and your babes will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Jamie Banzhaf said...

so, so sorry, lisa! i really think you guys seem so great for each other and hopefully he will kick the drugs to the curb and choose life/you/the kids instead. you've given him an ultimatum and hopefully that will force him to hit his rock bottom and want to change. i really respect that you aren't enabling him anymore and hopefully that will help him. it's great that you are at your mom's place. love and hugs!

Lisa said...

Hiya from another Lisa who found your blog from the visionarymom site.

What a huge and loving thing to do - for yourself and for Don. Taking care of yourself in the way you have helps you feel stronger (even as it sucks to high heavens) and your gift to him is the space to do his work on getting well (or not, as he chooses). You put the responsibility for his wellness in his hands and that's all you can do.

I send you love and Light on this part of your journey and hope that it's as peaceful as it can be. You have made a huge shift - trust that it was for the highest good of ALL.

Warmly,
Lisa in MD
(PracticallyIntuitive.com)

Michelle said...

You are brave for sharing! We all have dark corners of our lives that most us tuck away and hope to keep hidden from others, so I commend you for putting this out there to help your self and help others. I am sorry your life is turned upside down, but when you are at the bottom there is no where to go but up! What are you going back to school for? I think hearing your upcoming stories of re-building your life will be so inspiring. You are doing what so many of us "stuck in a marriage" types can not come to do. Thanks for being a pillar of strength, for us!