Tuesday, June 22, 2010

an amazing opportunity

My aunt and uncle may be buying a new house and it is AWESOME! I didn't take pictures of the inside, but it is really so cute.

I think I just might want to have a house like this some day. Maybe... sometimes I think I am really just a city girl, but walking around this place was so relaxing.

It is on almost 6 acres, with incredible views. It felt really good being there, walking around checking the place out.
fresh air

And look at these two!! So precious...

I really hope they get the house and all goes right for them. Seriously - see the look on my uncle's face, staring out, taking it all in? He looks so peaceful and happy. Home should make us all feel this way, huh?
my uncle

To my Uncle Steve and Aunt Lou.. I am keeping my fingers crossed for you!! xo~Lisa

around town and clearing the air

Well, I deleted that last post. Because, well, it felt weird. I am just not sure how much to share and what to share here. I want to really put myself out there and talk about all that is going on, but I am also private about the stuff that stings.

I like to see myself and my world as a place of awesomeness and when I feel icky, that is just not awesome. And, even though I do think it is important to capture my thoughts and what is going on, I'm not sure I need to share it with the world, you know? Some of it, but not all of it. And if I feel weird about what I am putting out there, then that is not true to who I want to be, you know?

What I can say, is that I am in such a funky place. What was familiar is not here and I am re-creating who I am, what I want, what I stand for. And, well, some days, the uncertainty gets to me and I start to question all of it, especially myself - who I am and what I am doing.

But, then the clouds clear and I am thinking straight again, not so fuzzy and unsure. Not so sad and overwhelmed by it all. And I can create again.

And, that feels good, because creating and being up to something in my life that inspires and excites me is who I am. It is what makes me tick. It's nice when the tick is strong and I feel like me. Not so nice when the goobers get me and all that is happening sucks the life out of me.

Ahhhh, life. Happening all around, the ups and downs, the good and the bad. All of it is here and I am doing my best to pay attention and take it all in.

Here are some pictures from this past weekend while we were out and about. I do love taking pictures of my children. They inspire me. They make me happy and fulfilled and even when they are acting crazy they remind me that I am alive and that all is as it should be.




This is not anyone I know, but I thought it was cool, what she was working on. We were at the clay fest in Manitou, which was really fun.
loved this



Ok, I am going to just focus on this kind of thing here right now. The good stuff. Maybe a peak or two at the other gunk if it doesn't feel like it will depress me me when I go back and re-read it later on.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

siblings ~ 6.20.10

~ a moment of peace, watching my little loves ~

Saturday, June 19, 2010

water dancing ~ 6.19.10

dancing in water
~ a moment of dancing in a river with my little girl ~

Monday, June 14, 2010

hanging out ~ 6.14.10



~ some hanging out moments ~

time travel

Enrique is so fascinated right now by building things. Really, this has always been his thing, but lately, his ideas are amazing!

We've seen rocket ships, submarines, airplanes, race cars, trains, and the latest obsession: time travel machines!!

Our living room is in a constant state of imagination.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

remember who I used to be

Last night, I got to see some really old friends. These are the people who are part of my youth.

old friends

Such, big, HUGE memories! Getting to hear about their lives now and remembering the times we spent together, appreciating who we have become. Still enjoying their company and recognizing a part of myself being with them. 20 years ago, this was my tribe. My people. And then, here we are today and I am amazed at how in many ways no time has passed even though we have all followed our own unique paths to get to where we are right now.

Friday, June 11, 2010

thrilling ~ 6.11.10

~ a moment of being thrilled by the rain ~

Monday, June 7, 2010

puppy love ~ 6.7.10

~ a moment of sweet puppy love ~

Sunday, June 6, 2010

this is me right now

Where to begin? So much has happened over the last few months. Alot that I have not wanted to talk about. But, this blog is also my space and I have felt a little weird sharing anything without saying something about all the stuff.

a moment with myself may 17

I will try to be brief, and as much as possible avoid the blame game and the drama. But, there has been some drama, so sorry if it comes across that way.

"Life is not a private affair. A story and its lessons are only made useful if shared. "
~ Dan Millman

The bottom line is that Don and I have separated. We were getting ready to fix up our RV and hit the road, all was going really amazing and great. We were in a funk but then we had one of those aha moments where we could see our way out of the funk. And then I found out that Don has been using drugs and lying to me about it. This has been an ongoing issue for us in our marriage. He wants the freedom to do what he wants without me freaking out and and trying to change him. I want a husband (and father to my kids) that keeps the promises he makes to us about his drug use.

Over the years, I have tried to be kind and give space to all of this. I have made excuses and worked hard to forgive and give him the benefit of the doubt, but there is only so much I can be okay with. And lying over and over again is not what I am okay with. So, me and the kids have moved in with my mom. It is hard. And awful. And sad. My heart is broken. I really thought we were doing great. I thought HE was doing great. But this addiction thing is winning right now. I hate it. I hate addiction. I hate that the drugs have become so important to him. I hate that my kids will be effected by all of this. I hate that I no longer have a partner in life, creating magic and awesomeness with me. I am sad. And angry. And Crushed.

I pray and hope that he will find his way and will make good, conscious choices in this life. I really, really don't want to make him out to be a bad guy. He's not. He just has issues with drugs and alcohol that he cannot control. Not right now. I hope some day he can and that he chooses to deal with all of this. I really do. For him. For our kids.

Don is a great guy, an amazing father. He loves our kids so much. He does and I know that. But, I also know that I needed to do what I felt was right - for me and for my children. So, here we are.

more of me

Here I am. Finding my own way. I have no idea what is going to happen. All I know is that the family I had and the life I've lived for the past 6 years is no more. It is time to reinvent, to create, to take care of myself. So, that is what I am focusing on.

My mom is being awesome and wonderful and so, so kind. She is letting us live here with her for as long as we need to, until we can find our own footing. I am going to go back to school. My mom gave up her office for me to have my own room. The kids already have theirs. I am working on creating a safe, comforting space for myself. I am putting attention on taking care of myself, nurturing myself, loving who I am. Getting connected to who I am and what I now want out of this life. I am focusing on who I need to be for my kids so that they are happy and healthy, no matter what happens with me and Don.

Re-inventing. I think I will take that as my theme word right now. Or maybe Re-discovering - Re-"me"ing.

***I wanted to edit this to say that Don is "just" smoking pot.. not doing crack or anything. But, the addiction thing is still that, no matter what. Drinking, or smoking pot or whatever really can be no big deal.. the deal breaker here has been they lying about it all. I just felt like I needed to say that so you don't think he is off shooting up in some alley or something. I do know sharing this here is a big deal and some people are not so sure that I should have. But, this is what I am dealing with right now.. what is in my space, and I really did need to just say it, out loud. ***